< link rel="DCTERMS.isreplacedby" href="http://sirhumphreys.com" > Sir Humphrey's: Kids forced to eat greens

SIR HUMPHREY'S BLOG

SITE MOVED:Sir Humphrey's has moved

Please join us at our new site: www.sirhumphreys.com.

The RSS feed for sirhumphreys.com is now here.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Kids forced to eat greens

Greens are giving young people 21 reasons to vote Green. However, I received what I suspect is a leaked email today from a Greenie that was privy to the initial draft of this. It's probably gone through several revisions by now, and I think they were stoned when they wrote it up, but this short summary will save you the trouble of reading their full document.

1. We won’t send you overseas to die in illegal, immoral wars.
So we promise to start a legal and moral one over whaling, GE, and using GE to clone whales. You'll be harpoon fodder by lunchtime. Any illegal and immoral wars, we'll only send oldies (like 30 plus)

2. We’ll ensure you have a planet worth inheriting.
We'll tax polluters until they stop polluting. Then we'll use the money to send all non-Greenies to Mars. That will just leave the chosen ones (us) alone with Dolphins and Termites.

3. We’ll be straight with you.
The Greens promise to always say what we think, even if we don't think. That makes us straight, and hip. And cool. And we'd just like to say we are the first political party to promise this and mean it.

4. We have a vision for your country’s future.
And what's yours is ours. Welcome to the commune. Pack your hemp shirt and underwear. It's a groovy love in, yeah baby.

5. We’ll make sure you’re paid a fair wage.
Experience is overstated. We'll make sure that you are paid the same wage as every-one else. This will allow you to get a job child minding, and be paid as much as the mother who needs you to child mind whilst she goes to work.

6. We’ll make sure students don’t have to borrow to live.
We've legalised prostitution, so you don't need borrow to live. Under Greens, you'll get in if you put out.

7. We’ll treat all young people with respect.
You will never be smacked, disciplined, or talked down to. You can't be expelled, rejected or underpaid. If your parents give you any lip, you can turn them in and get bonus respect points. Accumulate enough respect points, and you'll get a free eco-pizza.

8. We stand for gender liberation.
Young people know that women should be treated the same as men. We will introduce unisex toilets and portray women as stupid oafs or clueless gits on TV commercials, just like men are. We fully support “political correctness gone mad”, as that is how we have made such great strides.

9. We believe young people deserve the same benefits as adults.
You will now be tried for crimes as an adult. You can pay full fare on public transport. You can drink more alcohol, and we are right into drug abuse.

10. We’ll make sure no students are suspended or expelled from school without good reason.
Any teacher trying to lay charges against you will be fired. We will stick it to the man, don't you worry.

11. We’ll make sure young people learn the things that matter at school.
Basically, you've been learning crap. We know, we went through the same system, and look at what we know. Squat. We have a three point lesson plan: You will learn that humans are a plague on the planet. You will be required to be fluent in Maori. You will learn how to vote Green in future elections.

12. We’ll take youth suicide seriously.
By massively increasing the supply of drugs, we expect you to be too stoned to be depressed. Seriously.

13. We’ll stop you from being burdened by debt.
It will be illegal to get a credit card, ever. You can't buy a house until you have the full amount saved, and cars are bad for the environment, so don't even think of loaning money to buy a car. The one debt you can consider is a debt to future generations, and be happy paying your new eco-taxes.

14. We’ll tackle drug abuse head-on.
We’d ensure that a comprehensive and effective drug education programme is available in schools. That's a brochure that says "don't try anything more than once". The Greens believe that drug abuse is a health issue, not a criminal justice one. So when we say we are improving health spending, count on us for supply.

15. We’ll make sure the law doesn’t discriminate against young people.
So we'll make sure you are free from all consequences.

16. We’ll make sure you have a buses or trains to get around.
Because we are banning cars.

17. We believe education is a right, not a privilege
So we are sending you for 4 years service in Africa to teach young disadvantaged kids. It is their right. Stop acting like its all about "me-me-me" and think of those little African kiddies.

18. We accept there’s not endless space to dump our rubbish.
So you have to tidy your room. Every day.

19. We’ll crack down on parents who beat their kids.
Any parent who so much as smacks you for torching the cat will be removed from your home and put into foster care. For their own good. They can come back on week-ends to do the dishes and wash your clothes.

20. We’ve got plans to prepare for the end of cheap oil.
Its called eco-taxes. It will be the end of even expensive oil. It will we more expensive than a kilo of Thai Gold.

21. We’ve made sure silly mistakes you make when you’re young won’t haunt you for the rest of your lives.
So if you skip school we'll give you an A+ report card to cover it. If you've done drugs, Nandor will visit the man and pull your file. No problem. We look after our own. Just tick the party vote box for Greens, and you'll see we are not kidding when it comes to kids.

Posted by ZenTiger | 9/06/2005 11:09:00 pm

14 Comments:

Blogger reid said...

But you forgot to mention the compulsory run-around shouting lalalalalalalalalalalaletc with their hands in the air and oh so desperately.

As I understand it, this is very important.

My apologies if I've screwed it up for any lefties who needed it to be "just so."

9/06/2005 11:54:00 pm  
Anonymous Psycho Milt said...

Number 13 really does invite the piss-taking, doesn't it. "We’ll stop you from being burdened by debt" - What? You're going to pay my mortgage off? God bless us, every one!

I must say though, I was hoping they'd be offering to make drug abuse easier, not to "tackle it head-on". Memo to Jeanette Fitzsimons: conservatives aren't going to vote for you anyway, sister! You can let us keep our stash!

9/07/2005 12:10:00 am  
Blogger Chefen said...

Personally I can't wait to have my gender to be liberated. Isn't gender a social construct anyhow? Does this mean we'll all going to be gender-deconstructed during the liberation? Sounds painful, I'm voting ACT now.

9/07/2005 12:18:00 am  
Blogger Zenskar said...

"I must say though, I was hoping they'd be offering to make drug abuse easier2

How much easier can it get than under the current prohibition? Prices falling, supply expanding, quality improving. The breweries will start getting upset soon. They thought prohibition was meant to help them!

9/07/2005 02:18:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

zen..you forgot the tree-hugging..c'mon..lift your game...

phil(whoar.co.nz)

9/07/2005 08:14:00 am  
Blogger Tane said...

Zen, are you an ACT/Libertarianz voter or from United Future? Hang on, you're not Brethren are you....? I'd never have picked that.

Your list of half-truths and bald faced lies is pretty clever I have to say, and even quite funny in places. I guess it doesn't matter as you're preaching to the converted (and the odd Greenie like me), so it's not like you'll change many minds here (yes, FrogBlog is in the same boat).

I'm surprised you focused so much on legalising drugs though. I thought a good libertarian like you would be happy to do that, give people a choice about what they put in their bodies, people use the damn things anyway. But I guess any stick to beat the Greens is a good one.

I'd have liked to go through the list a point at a time, but such a reply would be 12 pages long, and lets face it, what's the point? I'm as likely to change your mind as you are to change mine. Maybe I should come up with a list of why people should vote ACT, but then, it seems I don't have to, given their poll ratings. Still, like Pete Hodgson said "They're all rogue polls, they're all wrong!!!". Maybe Rodney Hide and the 7 dwarfs will be back after all.

Finally, if I do have to go overseas to fight a war, I'd rather it was over whaling than over oil. Fighting a war simply to steal someone else's stuff is immoral and ultimately pointless; things deplete over time. And I'd rather not have to kill people just to let you drive to the supermarket....

Cheers mate.

9/07/2005 09:22:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

True Tane, I'm a conservative and I smoke reefers all da time :-)
Still, thats my choice, and I work hard and enjoy doing what I like after I get home from work. I don't let it distort my vision of reality though. Maybe Fitzimmons and the loonies will be back after the election, its good to have someone to laugh at.

9/07/2005 10:44:00 am  
Blogger ZenTiger said...

Thanks for the restraint Tane. This post was in response to a general trend I have picked up from the Frog Blog.

They seem unaware of the exaggerations, half truths and bald faced lies they make simply because their point of view is so much at odds with National/ACT, and I dare say the Brethren's.

That inability to see the positive in another's point of view was becoming a little irksome, so I spewed out an equally slanted post overstating Green policy. I'd imagine it would be seen as inflammatory and one-sided.

I'd like to point out it was a brain dump, off the cuff and all of that. I'm fully aware I've pushed the boundaries. Not every-thing I write has research and balanced opinion attached. I agree that it would be worthless to go through this point by point. We are dealing with general perceptions, not facts. Greens have been taking great delight in pushing their general perceptions of National policy as fact, and it ain't. It's opinion.

For example (but I could pull lots), I am getting tired of debating the implication's of s59 with Greens, when within one paragraph, I'm accused of wanting to beat my children to death. That inability to consider that I, as a parent, have genuine concerns over the social side-effects of this seems too hard for the little Green brain to comprehend.

The last time I pulled up a Greenie on a bald-faced lie/half truth, I was told it was all part of the political game. Invitation accepted.

9/07/2005 10:51:00 am  
Blogger Tane said...

Thanks for the reply Zen.

I can only say that the closeness of this election, and what's at stake over it, is making the blood rush to everyone's head. I've noticed a lot of holier-than-thou commentary from people on all points of the political compass, blissfully ignorant of the mud stains on their own hands. As has been discussed before, this election has become vital, because the course of our nation for the next 10 years (or more) could hang on it). I understand that you and the Sir Humphrey's crew are worried you'll get an uber-PC, socialist government taking 90% of your earnings and giving them to transvestite Maori hip-hoppers. I'm worried that an ultra-right government is about to borrow billions to spend on roads that will be worthless, while simultaneously pillaging the lower and middle classes. We all have our prejudices, and boy are they coming to the fore right now.

Well, I guess we only have to put up with it for another 10 days or so, and then another 6 months of recriminations.

If Brash and co win, I'll have to drown my tears on the night, take a deep breath and suck it up for three years. You can understand if that prospect is not one I'm looking forward to. Oh well, onwards and upwards.

And for what it's worth, I agree with you on the s59 thing.....

Cheers.

9/07/2005 11:32:00 am  
Anonymous Ed Snack said...

Tane mate, under the Nats the lower and middle lower classes will get a tax CUT. That's right, you will get more money in your pocket, if you work and earn money of course...

What I really dislike though is the way you and yours want to run my life, whereas I would rather make more of those decisions myself, thanks.

And would you really prefer to go to war over whales than over removing a blood sodden fascist dictator ?

9/07/2005 02:26:00 pm  
Blogger Tane said...

OK, so we get a tax cut. What will we have to spend it on? What if the economy weakens, as almost every indicator says it will? When govenment revenues dip past their expenditure, and they need to balance the books. What services will National cut to pay for this? It has happened before I believe, and not so long ago either.

It's the poor at the bottom who worry me. The ones who get $10 a week in a tax cut and find themselves stuck with market rents. With a slashing of their benefits at the same time as all the decent paying manufacturing jobs are fleeing overseas (well, those few that are left). Apparently we should move into becoming a service economy, but how many lawyers and coffee makers do we bloody need? It might be alright for you, until someone from Otara or Cannons Creek rips off your stereo. Then I suppose it'll be 'Build more jails!!'

The 90s were not some golden era in NZ's history. True, we got decent phone service, and an extensive range of cheap Asian consumer goods; it was good for middle class guys like me. But at the cost of increasing poverty, which brings with it the attendant evils of crime, disease and social strife.

I'm not telling you how to live your life, I don't really give a toss what you do. I simply don't want you to screw it up for the rest of us, or for the generations behind us. You might think this impinges on your rights, but none of us has the right to be totally free anyway (which side of the road do you drive on?).

As for fighting a war over anything, I'd rather not do it just to ensure we have access to cheap oil. Removing Saddam was the silver lining on a dirty great big black cloud, much of which is an attempt by the US to secure control over the worlds greatest oil reserves. There are things worth fighting for, but for us, Saddam and Iraqi oil are not any of those.

To correct myself, I wouldn't be fighting for the whales, a silly statement on my part. I'm not in the Navy.......

9/07/2005 04:09:00 pm  
Blogger Lucyna said...

Tane, the more I listen to you and those like you, the more I realise you have no idea about being "poor". I grew up getting Christmas food packages from the Salvation Army. And guess what, I am absolutely convinced that you and all the other Greens this patronising mentality when it comes to "poor people". Like they are incapable of aspiring to achieve.

There are real barriers in place right now preventing the poor from not being poor - NUMBER ONE IS TAX. Incentive is a big deal, what person wants to work harder or smarter to make extra money when they don't get to keep it? What person wants to take the risk of starting up their own business when a highly complex and punitive tax system threatens to take all if they get one of their figures wrong? In Estonia, there are no tax advisors because their tax is flat. The current tax system is a barrier to EVERYONE, rich and poor. Reduce and simplify tax and there will be less poor people.*

* This is based on the premise that poor is an absolute value of worth, not some stupid meaningless figure of half the average wage or what ever the F it is now.

9/07/2005 04:23:00 pm  
Blogger ZenTiger said...

Tane, I agree with the sentiment, but not necessarily the solution. I agree that National are skating on the edge. It is not totally about tax cuts for me, but creating economic growth.

The financial system our world is founded on is imperfective, and one of the handicaps is the importance of maintaining growth. However, we can't change such a system overnight, and I certainly want to ensure people don't swing towards communism to solve the problem.

You mentioned our jobs are fleeing overseas, creating pressure at the bottom end. I agree. Putting the business tax rate to 25% immediately (and then implementing Nationals deal) would have helped a lot. It seems they want to leave that bit to later, and start with personal tax cuts now. Bad move I think.

Equally, the Greens desire to have eco-taxes are light on detail. I suspect they have no idea of the knock on effects of increasing fuel at a time it is heading up. They think a tax free threshold of 5K will compensate even as food prices rise...

They are happy to pay huge amounts of money to Kyoto, saying it gives us incentive to change habits. The time they implement all their policies, we would have wasted billions paying world taxes rather than investing in NZ. That is madness, and what services are going to be cut to pay for Kyoto (as Labour are fond of saying).

If Labour make it in I bet they will be increasing taxes, fees, fines etc across the board. That will only stifle our economy more, and create more hardship rather than working to improve the situation.

We have little choice in this election.

9/07/2005 05:47:00 pm  
Blogger Tane said...

Lucyna, you're right, I've never been poor; lower middle class maybe, with a plastic spoon in my mouth, but not poor. So I admit, most of my knowledge is theoretical.

Despite this handicap, I cannot see how our personal tax rates are a barrier to achieve. The tax system is overly complicated and needs some drastic pruning from the little I see of it, but simply paying more tax as your income rises is not a problem for me. Why, because my take home pay, the important bit, still goes up. Not as fast as before, but so what. I'm still putting more food on the table and paying the rent/mortgage easier.

Zen,

I'm not sure if I have any solutions at present, I'm still trying to define the problem. That's why I'm hanging out here with you soulless right wingers, getting you to help shape my thoughts and also trying to plagiarise some ideas.... ;)

I don't think growth is the answer, simply because you cannot have infinite growth in a finite space. We've been able to grow our economy for 500 years now, but I think we may now have reached our Limits To Growth (I need to read that book). It's hard to tell, and we won't know till after the fact, but I think we can see some of the strains in the system now.

The problem is we have such a deeply embedded economic system that it will be almost impossible to change without some sort of massive cultural shift, a political, economic or social revolution (possibly all three). This is unlikely to be a pleasant process if we ignore it till it happens, and while it will be impossible to control, I think the more we bring it out into the open, the more people here and overseas realise that our current system cannot continue forever, the less traumatic that transition will be. I apologise for lacking in detail here, I'm still trying to think my way through all this. All I am certain of is that we will live in Interesting Times. I'm not sure what shape those times will take.

Our elites are of course deeply loath to change the system, as elites throughout history always have been. They will try to save the unsavable, if only to keep themselves in the manner to which they are accustomed. I believe change is inevitable, in our lifetimes, but I hold the possibly naive hope that here in God's Own Country, that we can maybe do this peacefully, or at least without ripping the guts out of the place. Political revolutions suck, and they have a tendency to eat their own children. I hope we don't have that here.

The Greens part in this is still pretty minor. We are a political party, and as such, can't or won't say too much which will threaten our voting base. People already think we're flaky (with some justification...), I can understand the reluctance to shout this from the rooftops. Will the Green policies make NZ a worse place? That's a matter of opinion, and while I think many of them might be unsuited to a NZ living in the era of cheap energy, many of them are just the ticket for a country on the brink of a global energy shortage. But we've been down that debate before eh, so I guess I should close up here.

For those intrepid enough to read this long and interminable post to the end, thank you. I'll buy you a beer at the Backbencher, and we can argue politics until closing time.

9/07/2005 11:52:00 pm  

Post a Comment

<< Home