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Wednesday, June 29, 2005

The End to Racism

I saw an anti-racism kit on eBay for $9.99. It was made in China, so I'm a bit dubious as to its quality. On the plus side, they wouldn't have bothered to copyright it so I feel justified in coming up with a much better one. I am proud to offer a ZenTiger approved Anti-Racism System of Emancipation (A.R.S.E.).

Yes, I have developed (in software development terms) a unique kit which combats racism. This is ground breaking stuff. I'm already writing my acceptance speech for the Nobel Peace Prize.

The basic kit is designed for the average, mainstream Kiwi, and for many people that fancy themselves as mainstream Kiwis. Americans may order the American Similar System (A.S.S.) kit which contains the required regional upgrade.

It operates on several principles:

1. You should be able to employ your A.R.S.E. to prevent personal attacks of a racist nature from your garden variety red neck.
2. Your A.R.S.E. should prevent you from being mistaken for a race you do not actually belong to (Samoa and Fiji Islands Module an extra $3).
3. Your A.R.S.E. should filter out any verbal diarrhoea directed your way.
4. If you use your A.R.S.E. kit about-face, it should translate any utterances you make into a more neutral phrase.
5. Any stupid comment you make will be attributed to the A.R.S.E. kit, thus rendering any derogatory rejoinder ineffective. This is known as "Talking out of your A.R.S.E."
6. Any unfounded criticism you receive can be safely inserted (shoved, if in a hurry) up your A.R.S.E.
7. You can also redirect any verbal hot air whilst communicating with a racist directly into your A.R.S.E., where it will safely blow it out the other side.

So, you can see the benefits of using your A.R.S.E. to get out of tricky, racially tense situations that have no relevant bearing on you as a person. You will soon be living a racism free life, and feel the better for it. Racists, around the world will realise the futility of their actions and, although they might find the kit a bit of a pain in the, err, in the first place, they will soon see the benefits in changing their ways.

We fully expect you will join the ranks of my satisfied customers, and want to thank me in person. Unfortunately, I can't be there with you, but you can kiss my A.R.S.E. [Kit].

Please email confirmed orders, and I'll get the PAYPAL button on-line soon.

The benefit to society as a whole will be that people using the RACE CARD to shut down conversations will not be able to do so. There will no longer be any dispute once we employ the A.R.S.E. kit, as it can correctly distinguish between people crying "racism" and, to put it bluntly, those speaking crap.

Posted by ZenTiger | 6/29/2005 11:25:00 pm