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Monday, March 28, 2005

With Apologies to Jim Hopkins, Colleen McCulloch and Asterix

Long ago in the land of Gaul (now France, the new home of the Arab nation) the great Roman general Gaius Caesar laid waste to the disobedient locals. Off the coast of Gaul was an undiscovered island, Outer Rower, named after a gallant galley slave of an earlier generation. This island had a truly peculiar form of gummint which, if allowed to spread to other lands, would have brought about the premature fall of Rome. It was Soshulusm or WKB for short - that’s We Know Best. Fortunately for Caesar and Rome, the isolationist obsessions of those running Outer Rower ensured the real world did not bother itself with the strange habits of the Outer Rowans and thus Rome was saved from premature disaster.

The Outer Rowan Gummint included a strange mixture of teachers and shop stewards, few of whom exhibited heterosexual inclinations, and was lead by a hunchbacked basso profunda frump called Dominatrix. Dominatrix ruled her tiny empire with a fist of iron and a party whip. She showed no mercy to anyone who infringed her personal code of ethics. However, there was only one ethic in the code - Dominatrix shall rule forever. Subjects could lie, steal, cheat, defame, slander, fornicate, pass the buck and all would be forgiven, indeed forgiveness need not even be sought. But, do anything to threaten Dominatrix’ grip on the purses of the people and Off With Their Heads.

Dominatrix had a stable of the finest high speed chariots, drawn by the best horses in the land and driven by the most experienced and highly trained drivers who, whether they knew it or not, were nearing the ends of their careers. Her favourite chariot was equipped with a rear seat designed specifically for speed-reading.

When news of Caesar’s triumphal defeat of Vercingetorix filtered though to Outer Rower, Dominatrix proclaimed that Pompey would have done a better job. Luckily, no one important heard her.

Her Chancellor was an odd fellow. A history teacher with a squeaky voice and Celtic tendencies who changed his name by deed poll and called himself Economix. He specialised in extracting by stealth vast fiscal surpluses from the serfs who then were convinced by his comic book economics that these surpluses did not exist. (Perhaps Rome should have made use of this fellow.) Most of his waking moments were spent rushing to the aid of his somnolent colleagues whenever they were attacked by the mad dogs, gnats and gnomes lurking in the Outer Rowan undergrowth.

A strange duo, Mahatmix and Malardorus (M&M), wrought great deeds. Mahatmix was portrayed as the great thinker of the Gummint. Alas, while he was preoccupied thinking about grand things, most of his great schemes failed and the hard working and loyal Malardorus trotted around behind him, cleaning up the mess. Sadly, after a lifetime of toil, poor old Malardorus was cast to the lions when he failed to protect Dominatrix from a raid on the exchequer by a band of wily indigenes lead by the master accumulator, Drongo Weterix.

The second strange duo, Horomix and Hobbix, (H&H) strode the stage with heavy tread. In another land they would have been called Rangitoto – no matter from what angle they were viewed, their profile remained unchanged. They rarely did or said anything and so the nation survived.

The most remarkable duo of all was Liannix and Tommy Hairix who between them perfected the lie when you’re not having a lie. Liannix achieved the remarkable feat of proving beyond doubt that safe sex needs only a coma, not a condom. “I did not have untruthful relations with that reporter” she said, little knowing that 2,000 years later a US president would pick up and use the same defence.

Outer Rower needed no police force as no one had anything to steal, every centime having been taken by the Gummint for redistribution.

Now, aren’t you glad you live in New Zealand?

Posted by Adolf Fiinkensein | 3/28/2005 10:17:00 AM


Anonymous ZenTiger said...

Oh the Gaul!

This just goes to show how important it is to have historians. Otherwise, we may well be doomed to suffer the same fate.

Luckily there are no parallels whatsoever with them and the current gummint.

Thanks for that good piece of historical research.

3/28/2005 12:09:00 PM  
Blogger Antarctic Lemur said...

So is Outer Rower your idea, or from one of the people in the title?

3/30/2005 03:19:00 AM  
Blogger Adolf Fiinkensein said...

"Outer Roa" was coined by Jim Hopkins. I have embellished it and given it some provenance. They say it adds value.

3/30/2005 09:04:00 AM  

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